To The Transporter:

I must say that you made my day. After a semi tense lunch date, your email made my day. Thank you.

COMMON SENSE AND JUST LIVING ALWAYS PROSPERS!

What does a hypocrite look like?

Hypocrites.....
They come in all shapes, colours and sizes.
The can range from male to female to anything in between. They can be black, white or red.
They can have long hair, short hair, curly hair, straight hair.....even weave!
This is something I wrote when I went to a little lime on Saturday night where my entertainment was watching hypocrites for the entire night dancing, laughing and just being.
Life is short Jaase....
look and laugh.

Here goes......

You are a hypocrite.
and dont think I like it
cuz I cant even put up with a little bit of your shit.
While you dance and wine
and throw your waist line
Thinking that I'm looking.
No dahlin'
I have what is mine.

So you parade with people of the same
stupid mentality of your game
while others like me
would just look and laugh
at your stupidity
and you and your show of hypocricy.
A dance you learned so perfectly
step by step
intricate movements
gracefully.

You dance your hypocritical dance
with her, him and everybody
else who you call 'friend'
But are you a friend?
Or is it that you just want what you can get
out of them?
Be in the 'in' circle
Well congratulations- You have arrived
You have survived
your battle of advancing to the elite.

Liming and dancing with the 'higher social strata'
Sipping wine and chatting about trips to India and Africa
and other things that really dont matter
to anyone else who is there.
So dance your dance
and perfect your fake smile
Because you are a social butterfly.
But we all are aware that
there is an insecure girl under there
Who has perfected the art of pretending.

WISH LIST!!

I created a wish list on Amazon.com of the stuff I want and will get at some point in time.

Please feel free to purchase and grant me a huge wish if so moved (wink wink) lol

Here is the link:

all I want for Christmas.....

I dont really wish for anything for Christmas, but over the years I have been marooned with questions of "what yuh want for christmas girl?!"

My usual answer is ..nothing...Really, I want nothing because the things I want, not everyone can give me. I have to give myself. They are things like

1. success

2. a successful music and poetry career

3. for my name to be known in the creative industry in T&T

4. love and happiness (this area handled for now)

5. For me to experience self actualization, including issues with physical and mental self, education, family, etc

you get the picture.

So upon reflection which was quite difficult not to get distracted with my 1% attention span on one thought, I managed to think of the things that I would like to get...and hopefully soon (ohh if I won the lottery!) Here is the list:

1. an electric acoustic or electric guitar with amp

2. a mixing board and mic so I can hookup at home and record my music and poetry OR a multi track recorder

3. video camera

4. still camera so I can explore my love for black and white photography

5. an external WD Passport 500MB hard drive

6. computer programs for music, video, photography

7. DJ Turntables 

8. a pair of GOOD headphones (studio type). I was checking out the BOSE qc2 noise cancelling headphones also.

Thats it for now..These things I will be in heaven with...but for not, all I really want is success and happiness

Thoughts of death

I have returned to my space. Mainly because since I have found this outlet, I find comfort in writing my thoughts. Maybe so I can look back at it one day and think "what the hell was I thinking?!" Maybe one day I will write some amazing thought that will become a famous quote or thought process....Who knows.

Last weekend a member of my 'rainbow family' died. I knew of her. I got introduced to her once, but mostly knew her from looking at her profile on myspace and facebook. She died in her sleep peacefully. Her death has impacted me in the most amazing way. Most of last week, death was on my mind. The unknown is a very scary thing. Following this, today I was driven to write a short story and a few thoughts on the matter to ease my racing mind. This is what I came up with...

Death comes like a thief in the night.

Ready to steal your future and past sorrows.

Surrounding you like thick, black smoke.

When you awake, you are in a new existence..

watching the world go by doing its daily tasks.

Watching your family, your friends , your past girlfriends and boyfriends.

Crying.

Disbelief.

Death has come to collect her.

And she watches us crying,

screaming.

"Don't cry for me"

But we cant hear you.

You touch your loved ones, hold them, hug them..

But we cant feel you.

Then you scream.

Because you have realised that

you are now the reflection in the mirror.

R.I.P Kierra

Goodbye...

I am going into hibernation.

This could take anywhere from 1 hour to 1 year. 

I am coming off of the internet, not blogging for a while and cutting communication with most, if not everyone.

I am self examining because things are crumbling and it obviously has to be something that I am doing wrong.

Goodbye

smile!

This morning I watched a video
It cheered up my day. Take a look.

When you think about it, the universe works in ways that is amazing. Recently, in my journey of positivity, I find myself surrounded by positive people and situations. This video validated any doubt in my mind about my journey. 

If I remain positive, it will spread like a virus....a good virus.

Its something like pay it forward, or tell 10 to tell 10. 

Give good and great will come right back at you! 

It will come full circle (as you will see in the video)

Smile!

A New Week!

The weekend is over.
It was fun while it lasted.
Friday night was a rainy night but I was comforted by a restful sleep in LCD's arms at home.
Saturday was an early and busy day. My aunt, cousins and 'daughters' were to return to Cali and LCD and I had to take them to the airport at 5:30 am. Nevertheless, we got to enjoy 3 doubles each, two of which I brought home for mom to have for breakfast.
On the way back home from the airport, LCD and I were commenting on how 'cool' mom was taking this new news. I was great but yet SCARY!
On arriving home, mom and I managed to slip easily into a conversation about my independence and my moving out of home.(more of that at a later date)
Saturday night was spent at LCD's home relaxing and watching movies on LCD's in house movie theatre.
Sunday was the killer!!
It began with my going to yoga for the 1st time. This was new but exciting. After class, we partook in a raw fruit feast (5th chakra foods) which was relaxing and felt like a great start to the beautiful Sunday morning which was blessed with slight drizzle and sunshine.
Upon a last minute cancellation of WOMAN -The Event, LCD and I went to the beach for a friends 1 yr anniversary in the pouring rain. I wish I had a camera to capture the beauty of the flood waters and rain drops and the thick fog that accompanied our journey to and from the beach. We then went to another friend's home for another lime.
Needless to say, both LCD and I had a restful sleep that night, so much that I awoke late this morning (upon the wake up call from my mother who enquired if I was going to work).

So I am here in work reminiscing on my weekend. I am also looking forward to my new challenge from my facebook friend who I will call 'The Transporter'' or 'T' for short of writing a short story . I will try to post it when I am finished.

In closing: my 5 new's and good's:
1) an enjoyable weekend
2) making the commitment to go to yoga class
3) possibly moving out of home
4) the work shoe which I bought a while ago now fits comfortably with the new stocking sock I bought...yay!
5) Feeling 'lighter' and less stressed in life since I have blocked negativity from entering my life.

As for my challenge:
Write a story where the theme is the death of something or someone....I have an idea already!

unexpected reactions...failure is NOT an option!

SHE IS TAKING THIS TOO COOL.
and it is really beginning to freak me out.
Its almost as if she accepts it!
wow.
I'm thinking...
I'm thinking...
and I remain
CONFUSED!

On another note:
I have recently begun an online conversation with someone on my facebook friends list who is a writer and also a mutual friend of a 'friend' which whom I am re evaluating as a friend. (sounds confusing)
I read 2 samples of her work and I found it so interesting. I remembered when I used to write stories as a child.
It reminded me of the time I went to a Speakeasy and met poets and musicians who performed their own music and poems. My friend challenged me to write my own poetry and music and told me to believe in myself.
Today I strive on my own words and melodies.

To my facebook friend-
You have given me inspiration to try my hand at writing short stories.

As LCD reminds me:
Failure is NOT an option!

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Re- evaluation of Friendships.

That is the stage I am in right now.

Breaking out of the shell of nievity is difficult. Its time to live my life and not focus on making everyone around me happy.

These days I have been listening to 'This too shall pass' by India Arie everyday and find it so therapeutic.

Take a look at the words:

I've achieved so much in life,
but I'm an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt


My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears


Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says


but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass


The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs


My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel
is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized
that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light

this too shall pass...

I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper
I hear my angels whisper
this too shall pass

Then listen to it.

Fall in love with the words.

This too shall pass.

An Ode to BULLSHIT

Now I know this is bitter, but I just needed to let out all these pent up feelings inside so just read it for what it is.

This is an ode to you
This is an ode from the tasteless lips
of which you criticize and dehumanize.
This is an ode to you.
Mom of few
age 42
but act like age two.
This is one for you.


This is an ode to the bullshit you spew
Contradictory lies of what is true.
Like the time I invited you to Q
Was to party not to bum a ride from you.


This is an ode to the disguise.
The friend poser, woman fucker, man fucker, greedy fucker
girlfriend befriender angel you are.
This is an ode.
Your own ode.
Cuz maybe you didnt get an ode
Ode for you.


What is the colour of ass you ask?
My answer is "SAPODILLA BROWN"

now another topic of remiss
the year and more of convinced bliss
so this is your ode
your own ode.
an "I'm trying my best not to care" ode
just for you.

I mean, do you even have a clue
of what Ive been through with you?
investment- no contentment
smile?
no smile
Please smile.
an ode.

an ode to nights of nothing
no touch-
not much
of anything at all.
This is an ode to your love affair with the TV
not me.
This is an ode to Spongebob and Patrick
who probably got more lick than my dry pussy.

And finally-
This is an ode to your infidelity
fuck bazodee!
Cuz your fuckfull activity with Kristy
while a fuckless relationship with me.

So this is an to you.
this is an ode to me
separately.
This is an ode to the friendship I thought we had
Now covered by invisibility.
No one could see.
So take your ode and "fuck me"

This is just a little taste of my 'tasteless' poetry.

woosah!

Today is a new day.

This too shall pass.

Negativity away.

Let positivity enter

and fill my soul. 

Woosah!

WOMAN POWER!

http://www.newsday.co.tt/features/0,89573.html

Dry Cough

a recap of my weekend: (also my new's and good's)

-went to party with LCD

-went to CHURCH with LCD

-cousins arrived from USA

-cousin met LCD

-day with LCD on Sunday

so yes...my weekend was enjoyable.

BUT I STILL HAVE THIS DRY COUGH!!!

its beginning to worry me so I am considering going to a doctor since i have had this 'cold' for about 2 months.

On another note:

-I have FINALLY restarted my eating plan since I have regained ALL the weight I lost. I plan to hold this through Christmas with little cheating as possible.

- I have semi decided to cut off Nasty due to some unwelcommed comments made on the heels of something that should be celebrated. 

Bitterness is the cause of envy.

What a wonderful world

I just viewed a powerpoint slide show of pictures of Obama accompanied by the music of Louis Armstrong and Kenny G on sax and it hit me.

Even in the midst of all the negativity, there is still some positive aspect of life to hold on to. The flowers, the leaves, trees, water, the sky ,sunshine, love, friends, people, buildings, grass, stars, etc. I could go on forever!

You can even find beauty in things labeled to be depressing or ugly. I find beauty in old historical sites, cemeteries, dead flowers, rainy days, etc.

TO HAVE DEATH, ONE MUST HAVE LIFE!

This IS a wonderful world!

So to close this blog off iI will do an exercise I learned to do in co counselling:

5 new and good things in the past week:

-I graduated from UWI with a BA in Musical Arts Special

-Dinner with my mom, aunt and LCD after grad (sponsored by LCD)

-Dinner with LCD and Aunty D on 2 occasions (one sponsored by aunty, other by LCD)

-Being able to talk with my aunt about developments in my life and my past

-Everyday lunchtimes with LCD.

I could go further, but for now I will leave it at 5. 

I will try to do this everyday and eventually lengthen this list.

But for now, try to remember and focus on the smaller things in life.

It IS a wonderful world!

Ramblings.....

These are my words..

These are my thoughts.

I wanted to save the world. I realised I cannot

I wanted to make everyone happy.

I realised I cannot.

The only thing I can do is make myself happy. Radiate a frequency that everyone is tuned into. Live for me.

On another note::

CUTTING.

It is something real. I have come to the realisation of how seriously it affects others only this Sunday when a group member expressed in tears how it affected her when her friend cut herself. I admit it...I used to do it. fine. But I dont do it again..at least I try not to. I am a few months cut free so for that I celebrate!

I have life (which is scarce these days in T&T)

I appreciate things more. 

I have love.

The only thing left to think about is the future. 

I look forward to it.

Choices. decisions. choices. decisions.

New experiences.

LIFE

confused

I am in a state of confusion.

tug of war actions.

Reactions.

No action.

She is angry

She is angry

I am simply

confused.

Are you my friend?

Im at that point in my life where I am re evaluating friendships.
For too long I have lived my friends life. Their happiness became my total responsibility. When they were sad/depressed...that meant I failed.
Now I see true happiness.
In that happiness, I see jealousy.
In that jealousy, I see truth.

I now am in a stage of re evaluation.
People want the 'best' for you but what drives that motive? is it because your 'best' fits into their plan?
Life is more complicated than it seems.
It up to me to see the simplicity.
Clear away the clutter of negativity.

Are you my friend?

Another day goes by......

And I'm here again in work.
Yesterday for the Holiday I did nothing special but it was special in every way. I spent the day with LCD and my 'mother- in- law' :)
Ate all of LCD's favourite foods which made me think of how special life is in T&T.
Bahgi, pumpkin and saltfish and tomatoes with buss up shut. Where else can you find that mix.?!

My aunt arrived last night in from Cali for my graduation on Friday. I opened the newspapers this morning only to see a past classmate winning a prize for business having obtained a first class honours in business management. In the Catholic news on Sunday, there was my best friend for winning a scholarship (why didnt I know about this?!) she has stopped talking to me for some reason I am still trying to figure out. All my calls to her have gone unanswered and I have only been able to reach her through email.

So yes...I feel like have wasted my time in UWI. Musical Arts?! hmmm...especially after my sister got a first class honours also. Maybe I have overestimated my intelligence.
I cant wait for my second chance to study business and communications (i think)
But even as I write this...Business and communications? I wonder why these are my choices. I will be stuck in the corporate world forever!
I want to move! I want to create! I want to inspire! I want to LIVE!

Maybe I should do a degree in living.
Jaase B.A/B.Sc in LIVING, INSPIRING AND PERFORMING ARTS

PROFOUND!

Yesterday for my weekly meeting of WOMAN-The Event, Elspeth Duncan, noted Multimedia artist (writing, music, photography, interactive conceptual art, video/film) graced us with her presence. She is an artist I have always wanted to meet and was and still am intreagued my her work and mind. In the little space of an hour and a half, she said such profound things that I wrote down and promised to remember in my daily existence.
1. develop your intuition- this way you are more in touch with the world and by extension, yourself.
2. Do what your heart calls you to do- don’t do things just for money.
3. FIND THE DEEPER THINGS IN SIMPLICITY- this is something which I have been doing for the past year. Since this, I appreciate all the small things in life.
4. Creation= transformation
5. Creativity = life : creativity comes from the heart. It is the root. It is the foundation.
6. Don’t hold on to your best work- Sometimes by throwing things away, you actually create or you allow new things to be created.
7. Don’t force things to happen- sit back and allow things to happen for you. The earth takes a natural course. If it is meant to be it will be.
8. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE
9. Magic is art and art is magic.
10. Emptiness allows for other things to fill us.


Emptiness allows for other things to fill us.

This statement shouted to me. For the past few years I have been feeling empty. Though my life is finally experiencing happiness, I feel creatively empty. Since a child I had visions of myself being successful and reaching places by this age. I am no where near to my goals. I am in a job that is not boring but not exciting. It’s a job. There is money.
I want more from life. I spent 3 years doing a degree in Musical Arts And now feel no sense of achievement now that I’m finished. I want to explore my creative self. Connect with the root of it all- my heart and the earth. It is what guides us. It is what will open my mind to everything.
I have been experiencing a serious case of writers block for a long while. While I have so much emotion and opinion in my head, I cannot express it.
My music has died- my poetry has died- my art has died
I fear that my creativity is dying.
For now- I will try my best to listen to E.
Don’t force things to happen
Sit back and allow things to happen for you. The earth takes a natural course. If it is meant to be it will be.
That is profound!

LOVE equals the will of another

You say you are not creative..
You say you are not them..
Thats the point.
I dont want you to be them.
Thats what makes you so different.
Thats why I love you.

You try to see the creativity from a non creative aspect.
You support my dreams.
You become my dreams.
Then I open my eyes.
And you are still there.

You are no Z..
I dnt want you to be.
You are no E..
I dont want you to be.
You are my LCD..
The one that I want you to be.
You...for me.

Inspiration

I'm stitting here.
Feeling inspired.
But
My mouth cant open
....................................
WRITERS BLOCK