Wake up and smell the dog shit...

Me:
Jeez, I dont know how (name of gf) can NOT be addicted to you! You are like a good dream come true as a (boyfriend/partner).

Person x:
Thanks so r u sweetie, but u r not a dream. Sigh....

Me:
I know I'm not your dream :( sigh......

Person x:
At present I not capable of a dream. I'm dreamproof. Jus livin reality. Dont know if that's good or bad. I so mad at myself sometimes.

Me:
You do what you do. Circumstances made you who you are. Its time for me to stop dreaming and accept reality.

ITS OFFICIAL PEOPLE...
The dream needs to end.
Maybe its time for me to face reality.

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.

Haven't blogged in a bit.......

I felt compelled to this space today. I don't know why. Maybe because I used to use this space as a place to vent and just let go of all the things I felt and had no one to say it too.....and now I am back in that place I guess.....to an extent.

This is the update. The fact:- I am in love.
BLEH.
and it does NOT feel good.

Strange.

I have been in love for 3 years....3 YEARS! and I only realised last month when I finally spoke to this person of my dreams. (Person x)

CRAZY!

Now for the BLEH part. .....
The person of my dreams loves someone else and has been in a 3 year relationship.
Again I reiterate......
BLEH.

So what do I do? Sigh.......

The fact:-
I forget how to breath when I see person x...for 3 years I have been forgetting how to breathe, and even if I see person x a lot now, it still happens.

So here is the question:
What is to be in love?
STEUPS.

another question:-
Am I waiting in vain and placing false trust and hope in prayer and in the secret?

Another fact:-
I want someone who loves me AS MUCH AS AND EVEN MORE THAN I love them.

The fact:
I guess I have a wait that's longer than expected.

SIGH

How much he loves me

Xavier sat naked on the cold tiled bedroom floor, silent and terrified of opening her eyes to the room that lay before her. Hugging her knees tightly, she rocked to and fro slowly, comforting her body with the rhythm of her slow, shallow breaths. It was happening again- The rage that she had told her therapist about. With head bowed, she held onto her feet so tightly that she restricted blood flow to her hands. This was part of her treatment and she was experimenting with a new, less violent way to deal with rage, however, she was having a difficult time controlling herself.

Her eyes darted toward the bed where Tyrese was lying. She thought that this would be an opportune time to hurt him. She quickly glanced at the table and laid her eyes upon the knife that was left there the night before when Tyrese drew it from the kitchen cupboard in an attempt to threaten her. Their relationship was volatile, much like that of her parent’s relationship where she would see them fight every day, and then hear loud and exciting nights of sexual pleasure. She could do it now; make him pay for what he did to her- Make him pay for cheating on her with her best friend Damien. But Xavier loved him. Her feeling for him far surpassed any feeling she ever felt for a man. She liked his rough face, and the many scars that added character to his personality. She loved his baritone voice which got deeper during intimate moments they shared every day and night. She loved his masculinity and how he took charge of her especially during sex where he would tie her up, choke, cut and beat her. She got turned on by his roughness and loved it when she could see his manhood rising out of his boxers when she released soft, sexual moans of pleasure in response to the pain he inflicted. She loved to gently, yet intentionally brush against it while touching herself and feeling the wetness of her own womanhood.

Tonight, she could still feel her wet panties clinging damply to her body. He had turned her on again when he placed the knife to her neck and made a slight incision. Xavier lifted her hand up to the cut and felt a slight sting where the blood had dried. Calm was beginning to set in and she could feel the high pressure of blood subside slowly in her veins. She remained in the corner and listened to the noises outside the window. It was probably 4 am now, as she heard spoons knocking cups as the neighbours mixed tea for their young. She needed to sleep since lack of sleep made her rage worse. Today was a new day, and Tyrese would soon feel the wrath of her anger if she didn’t rest.

Xavier’s eyes descended away from Tyrese and toward the nightstand where she found the evidence that lead to her current state of mind. Earlier on in the night, she had explored Tyrese’s cell phone while he was talking a shower. She was looking for something; anything to prove if the rumours were true or false that Tyrese was being unfaithful to her. As the steam from the shower filled the small apartment, Xavier quickly scrolled through call logs and text messages. That was when she found her answer.
“You turn me on when you choke me like that. I like it when you are a bad boy. D.” Xavier returned the phone to the nightstand and proceeded to slowly click through the television cable stations, desperately searching for something to distract the thoughts racing through her head.

She could no longer be angry. The rage had now gone and left her feeling vulnerable and needy. She hated how she felt after her rage episode, as it usually made her feel tired and lifeless, but very horny. Xavier slowly and quietly got up from the cold floor and made her way toward the bed where Tyrese lay in his black boxers with stomach exposed toward the early morning draft. Xavier peered at him, looking intently at the rhythm of his breathing. She clenched the knife which she had picked up from the table and slowly made herself comfortable on the bed, perched carefully on top of Tyrese’s lower body. She placed her feet at either side of Tyrese and lowered her pelvis onto his thighs. She slowly placed her hands to cover his manhood and delicately began to stroke it until it grew hard and stiff and perpendicular to his body. Xavier then raised her body, balancing carefully on her bent knees and shifted herself over Tyrese’s erect shaft and gently and slowly lowered her pelvis until his manhood disappeared inside her. She let out a soft sigh as she felt her inside being filled by Tyrese. She lifted her hand toward her erect nipples and began to fondle them while slowly gyrating her hips on Tyrese who had by now awoken from slumber to share in the experience. With her back slightly bent, Xavier held onto his upper thighs as she peered into his sleepy eyes and examined his mouth which sporadically snarled to show teeth that reflected his pleasure. Holding onto the knife, she lustfully traced a pattern on her body from her forehead to her womanhood, pausing to linger at her breasts. Tyrese’s eyes grew wild at the action and threw her wildly from on top of him and onto the bed. Xavier reached for the knife which fell out of her hand, grasped it and placed it at her mouth. She ran the sharp blade over her tongue while her other hand fondled her clit. Tyrese excitement was building as his breathing got heavier and his eyes got more intense. Xavier knew exactly what to do to turn her man on as she let another sensual moan escape from her lips. Tyrese grabbed the knife from her hand, placed the blade between her breasts and slowly applied pressure to make a slight incision. This is what she wanted she thought, as she grimaced with simultaneous pleasure and pain. Xavier sank into her thoughts, becoming numb to the numerous cuts Tyrese was inflicting on her. She was calm now, and everything was okay again. Tyrese was showing her how much he loved her.

Taken

So, you’re back again
Lord, tonight I feel like you are going to drive me insane
Because I still don’t have enough game to approach you.
And I am still too shy to directly look at you
Lord, what am I going to do?
Because I think I am too nervous to be around someone as gorgeous as you.
So I retire to my corner
Strategically placed so I could periodically glance over
From the darkness to light.
Is it only me that sees the halo that shines so bright around you?

You have me like a stalker
Not much of a talker
But a looker
I’m looking at you from in front, behind and all over.
Back, front and centre
I’m noting the top you wearing, the shoes you stepping
By now I have to stop myself from blatantly gaping and
Dribbling
You see, I’m noting
Everything
But then I always have to snap back to reality
And remember that you already have somebody to call ‘Baby’.

Now I’m getting angry
Not with you, but with me
Because I just can’t seem to approach you
And the thing is...I really really want too.
I have practiced conversations aplenty
And in those daydreams, you were actually quite friendly
But i admit, I’m just too scared to even say it.
But wait- my thoughts keep getting the better of me
It always has to hit me
You still have somebody
And that somebody is not me.

You see, your smile could light up a blacked out city
Your presence could send anyone weak in the knee
And it’s been 3 years now that you have me falling slowly.
The richness of your skin could feed an impoverished country
And when you walk...and when you talk...
It’s like the earth stands still.
Like the calm before a kill
And I can’t wait till I get some courage
Because to you I will serenade feelings
Unable to link words together to get true meaning
Because I’m only stuttering
And I know that I’m ignoring you right now
But what’s new?
I always do
But even to approach you,
You need to tell me how too.
Because my feet are stuck
And my eyes are still in shock
That I even have the luck of seeing you tonight.
But now in me you have started a fight
Because my mind is talking
But my body is not moving.
But again daydreams are jagged cut with the reality that
When you go home in the night
You still have somebody to call your baby.
And she is not me.

So now that you are not in front of me
Let me take this opportunity to talk my mind
Because we all know that I’m not the kind
To approach you and tell you all the things that I really want to.
Jah really knew what he was doing when he created you
And I mean, he did a damn fine job too!
You have my tongue twisting like a corkscrew
And by now i don’t know if you get the clue
I just want you to smile at me when I smile at you.
You are the creature that has me bazodee
The body that constantly tantalizes me
Hair that falls so gracefully.
Each lock tells a story of pure beauty.
Now you have me rambling and sounding crazy
But this is what you do to me.
Have me rendered speechless
I can’t talk, don’t know what to say.
I just know that today is definitely not my day.
Probably later. Maybe another day
Hopefully one day.

But until then, my knees remain weak.
Still don’t know how to speak
But I continue to peak glances
And take my chances of watching you.
Till then I’ll listen to heavens that open
And play cantatas and sonatas and operas
When you are around.
I will continue to feel the reggae beat that I hear
When you move your lips and feet
And observe the movement of your hair and hold this image dear to my memory
So that later in my dreams, you will keep me company.
I will remember your teeth, like white lilies between lips
And the song of your hips.
Tattooed into deep rooted tips of my fantasy.
But then it always comes back to me.
Nothing could erase the fact reality that
You already have somebody to call your baby.
And she is not me.

© 2010
Dedicated to my muse

This new period

Yet again I have reached a new period in life. One where I have learned new and old lessons. I guess I now understand lessons which were trying to be taught to me for years, but you know how it goes. You don't understand them till its time for them to be understood.
Now...I definitely understand.
But life is getting easier. As I reminisce on times past, good ad bad, I can now see clearer of what I did, what I should have done..and what I will and could do.

The following is something I posted on facebook in October 2009: That was one period, and I am so past that......

This, my friends, is what is taking place in my life, now more than ever before. I have always struggled with the question of 'who am I?' and over the years realised that it really is a simple question- if you really know who you are. There is a level of 'connectedness' that I used to feel with the universe that has somehow disconnected. This could be due to me allowing myself to fall within the conformity of people's definition of myself. For the period that I was away from facebook, I began to examing myself and face the reality of 'me.' I began to see 'me' from everyone's perspectives, draw my opinions from that, face the ugly truth and am now willing and ready to focus on myself and define what is truly 'me.' I know many of you have been through this already and some are maybe now experiencing it. One thing I have found is MOST important, which someone (you know who you are) has always mentioned to me is to: ENJOY YOUR OWN COMPANY.
THAT, my dear friends is the secret. I could definitely say that I love myself and enjoy my company (and I no longer feel guilty or swell headed for saying it) For those of you who are still on this journey like myself and many others....I wish you the best of luck.


My news and goods for 2010:
1. I know who I am
2. I know who my friends are
3. I know what makes me happy
I see a trend here in comparison with last year, and it proves to me that I have improved....My news and goods are finally focused on me giving me happiness...

IRIENESS!

I write....

I write to see
To open my doors to the
Spirits and earth that
Whisper to me.
I write to see truth and lies
I write to see ugly cries of reality
That shout to me through printed ink
I write to think about an exodus of things that come to me
late at night.
I write to hear the shouts and screams
Of nightmare dreams of hell
While smiles stretch skin across off- white teeth.
I write to hear.
To listen to the words of which i cannot bear to think
About the stink that pierces early morning air
I hear thoughts of vagrants who wander without a care
Along abandoned streets.
You see, I write to feel
Things which I am not allowed to say
Things that I will reminisce on one day and laugh and cry
Things which scare me
Because sometimes it is just me that I see
Through my pen.
And I feel me
And I feel who I am not and who I am meant to be
And all the feelings that I have got to write.
And still I write
To be.

Been a while- an update

M.I.A: Missng in action.

That's where I have been for the past 2 months or so and I have found somewhat of a safe haven there, in the solitude of my mind, confined between the walls of my room and the many doors of my house.

I am on a quest to reconnect with myself and reconnect with the earth and the positive vibes that I once possessed. This, because I have been drained mentally, emotionally and physically. I am taking the time to evaluate the past year that I thought would have lasted much longer than it did. Maybe I am taking time to figure out what I did wrong, but I am also trying to figure out IF I did anything wrong.

My writing has suffered, my music has died and my creativity is starving. I need an artistic release, but I fear that only when I have reconnected then will this release come.

Until then......the noose awaits.