temporary insanity

I know I question...
I have questioned everything from why is the sky blue to why is the grass green and sometimes brown, to who is God, who am I and how do I define myself.
That is what I do...
I question.
It is not meant as an interrogation, but more of an desperate attempt to gain a better understanding of myself or an understanding of you.
Sometimes it seems like the earth is shifting paradigms below my feet and I can't keep up.
I question myself to try to abate the 'demons' in my head.
I call them demons because sometimes I get so confused.
My mind transfers into a busy highway traffic jam with loud horns and screaching car brakes.
I try to stop..
Slow down, but its like a brain on crack.
Everything moves so fast.
And I question myself then.
Whats going on? whats happening?
At that moment, rationality escapes my maturity and thoughts that are so irrational suddenly makes perfect sense.
It's racing, I cry pent up tears not only for the present, but for the past, and for the future.
I don't know what it is, but I am trying to find out.
After this 'episode' I am so tired.
Mentally,
physically.
Unable to withdraw hurtful words,
uncouth feelings.
I am tired.
I need to rest.
Please understand.
For a moment I am not myself.
I know its hard to comprehend.
Please tell me what I did
tell me what words I said
tell me what idea I had
For fragments only remain embeded in my memory.
You are scared I know,
I am scared also.
I need to rest,
please let me rest.
please disregard the last few minutes of insanity
I know you may not understand,
but please
try to understand.
Please love me in spite of my fault.
it is still the 'me' that you know.

i am scared

I guess I am scared.
I accept that fact that what I fear the most may become reality. I may be left in the solitary togetherness that was. You never truly move on right? I guess I am scared that you still reside in a heart that is not mine, though your voice explains contrary words, I am trying to equate with actions.
And I am scared.
I am terrified that in the end, I may not matter.
Maybe life is better without me.
Because I have found what I am looking for....
but
have you?

Are you still there?

In retrospect....

I think,
I ponder of my status in this whole equation. My function.
Do I compute with the multiplied subtraction in your life?
And I wonder if I measured up to your expectations that you lived for.
Your tantrums, your dreams, and when you felt blue, and the fine lines between your uncommon dialogues with your soul.
I wonder...
Your lover's call now becomes mine while I answer in silence that you can hear only if you desire.
Where are you my beloved? ...I am here
Where are you my beautiful star?....I am here
Do my eyes possess you? do you desire my kiss? There is no need to run my beautiful beloved star.
I am the one you seek. I own the heart you desire. It is you who possesses the eyes to see.

And like you, I continue to plead my desperate question to the universal highest entity....why did you bestow upon me the power to love as I love? Why did you bless me with a treasure that may not be able to cherish what I have to give?...because walls so high and indestructable have been built for protection. While I await my opportunity to show you what love is.

Walls that were previously broken to allow pretenders in fuck me shoes to enter...

And like you I shall wait 525, 600 minutes and even though the sun sets on my hope, I will not regret.

Do I inspire you as the time when you loved before? Do I inspire a name? Maybe a written vent of emotion. I wear no fuck you shoes but I am clothed in trial and error in a desperate attempt to engage your attention and please your eyes once again. Do I inspire you? Have I ever inspired you?

Are you still alive? Have I dimmed your light for carefree living and enjoying intimate nights when your mood forecasts?

Forecasts....a lesson plan I am yet to receive, but intermittantly trying to predict when there will be rain or sunshine, or when I should just not leave home in shelter from the storm.

Different books, different chapters. I agree. I am no jelly bean.

But the merging of books and literery content can ....will result in a bestselling novel if the marketing is right. Take a risk sunshine.

I yearn to see a dimpled smile.
I yearn to see lustful lips.
I yearn to see that glimmer in your eyes.

I can take you there where you have gone before. This time only further. Retired to heaven where your list of wishes can be burned.

My body and mind are willing, but they sometimes falter and question if it is a losing battle. A battle I think I must wait, for time will heal all wounds and in time, I trust. In time, I will be discovered. In time...

I hope.

Are you still there?
I hear no answer....
Maybe no one is home..
525, 600 minutes...
no number can compute my wait for you.

Random thoughts on a Friday night

As I grow older, my relationships with people change, as is expected.

I have a greater bond with my mom which I am enjoying everyday.
With my sister I have grown closer and am able to speak about intimate things. My friends I have learned to cherish even more since I have learned the qualities of friendships and true friends.
And with my s.o.
That relationship has had the most interesting maturation of all. I have learned so many things in the past few months that have changed and matured me and I am thankful for it. I have grown from an immature girlfriend from past relationships to learning what makes meaningful relationships. It makes me realise what I am willing to do to have this person in my life because of what I feel. Everytime I see, everytime I hear my loves voice, its like falling in love all over again.

Hopefully one day, I will be sending special friends special invitations....