Been a while- an update

M.I.A: Missng in action.

That's where I have been for the past 2 months or so and I have found somewhat of a safe haven there, in the solitude of my mind, confined between the walls of my room and the many doors of my house.

I am on a quest to reconnect with myself and reconnect with the earth and the positive vibes that I once possessed. This, because I have been drained mentally, emotionally and physically. I am taking the time to evaluate the past year that I thought would have lasted much longer than it did. Maybe I am taking time to figure out what I did wrong, but I am also trying to figure out IF I did anything wrong.

My writing has suffered, my music has died and my creativity is starving. I need an artistic release, but I fear that only when I have reconnected then will this release come.

Until then......the noose awaits.

Riding the waves

Emotions run on pot holed pitch.

I am emotionally drained. I cannot cry. I laugh. I cannot allow myself to think. I laugh. I cry.

Thoughts of you send my subconscious into a hurricaned twister of confusion.

.Blank.

I don't know my next move.

With you? without you?

I'm taken but I'm not.

In love but out of love.

I am in transition.

...........................................

unwanted

I have layed myself at your alter
unclothed my body and exposed my weaknesses
I have broken down all hinderances
for you.
and waited patiently for you to do the same...
but i guess I expected too much

I have altered and changed and waited..
hoping, and praying and examining
myself.
and how i could improve so that i could have equaled your expectation
and improved your satisfaction.
but I guess I misunderstood.

I have dressed and undressed,
made and unmade faces and wardrobes to
capture attentions that waned.
To fit into high healed shoes of sneakered feet
just to scream...look at me...
this is for you

But now I have unwillingly reached the point where all is left but my impending exit.
since there is no other function for my obsolete position.
I add no value to your life and no aspect of it requires my existence.

No physical, emotional, sexual, mental or imaginary wish is for me to be there.
This is how it is...
3rd times the charm out of 3.
It happens again.
and again
and again.

If I go, what will you miss?
Maybe just a text, but never my kiss.
For I have managed to achieve in 9months
what ex girlfriends achieve in 3 and more years.
maybe I am just not cut out for this.

I guess its time to exit and disappear.
for I no longer serve a purpose
I wish I can erase the hurt and the pain
since the next step will be the hardest
and the next chapter will remain ...
unopened.


****I have found everything I have wanted and everything I prayed for, but you have not yet found the answer to your prayer. Maybe you do deserve more than me****

How do you spell.....L.O.V.E?

L.O.V.E
something that has always laughed in my face.
Because I fall,
HARD!
This time I fell hardest
and felt safe enough not to get back up.
I closed my eyes to feel the comforting warmth and bask in my happiness.
Then my eyes were forced open because something didn't deem right.
something changed...
and everything has changed.
What was, now isn't and
what wasn't, now is.
How do you spell L.O.V.E?
I do not know.

Attempt at erotic poetry

Trying a different 'vibe'. It may be a bit weird but It is an experiment at a particular type of erotica.

Cut me.
Knife to skin dully piercing my epidermis
Harder.
Let me feel the thin slice
cold with pain that boils blood to
ooze red velvet carpets that stain and cover us.
Lead your large delicate hands to my throat
as I feel your grasp
squeeze off my oxygen
while I passively fight for life and attempt
to regain control of my body.
Tie me.
Capture my wrists in your control
while I surrender to your commands.
I am at your disposal.
To you I submit
to your total domination.

fuck it

nature is calling.
Times like this I just need to get away.
When I am fedup pretending that everything is ok.
Im never busy enough, Im never woman enough, Im never old enough
Im never enough to equate your question.
And you may not even read this, because when you dont have time, there is always time for others who probably matter more.
But hey, they were there before me so may be I should just leave you be.
May be I really do have too much time on my hands
but you dont realise the things you do when that name arises.
It always brings quarelled surprises.

So I get the point.
Maybe your then need is now satisfied.
Maybe your itch has been scratched....

May be my time has ended.
May be I should accept defeat and leave you to live your happy life.
Without additional stress.

temporary insanity

I know I question...
I have questioned everything from why is the sky blue to why is the grass green and sometimes brown, to who is God, who am I and how do I define myself.
That is what I do...
I question.
It is not meant as an interrogation, but more of an desperate attempt to gain a better understanding of myself or an understanding of you.
Sometimes it seems like the earth is shifting paradigms below my feet and I can't keep up.
I question myself to try to abate the 'demons' in my head.
I call them demons because sometimes I get so confused.
My mind transfers into a busy highway traffic jam with loud horns and screaching car brakes.
I try to stop..
Slow down, but its like a brain on crack.
Everything moves so fast.
And I question myself then.
Whats going on? whats happening?
At that moment, rationality escapes my maturity and thoughts that are so irrational suddenly makes perfect sense.
It's racing, I cry pent up tears not only for the present, but for the past, and for the future.
I don't know what it is, but I am trying to find out.
After this 'episode' I am so tired.
Mentally,
physically.
Unable to withdraw hurtful words,
uncouth feelings.
I am tired.
I need to rest.
Please understand.
For a moment I am not myself.
I know its hard to comprehend.
Please tell me what I did
tell me what words I said
tell me what idea I had
For fragments only remain embeded in my memory.
You are scared I know,
I am scared also.
I need to rest,
please let me rest.
please disregard the last few minutes of insanity
I know you may not understand,
but please
try to understand.
Please love me in spite of my fault.
it is still the 'me' that you know.

i am scared

I guess I am scared.
I accept that fact that what I fear the most may become reality. I may be left in the solitary togetherness that was. You never truly move on right? I guess I am scared that you still reside in a heart that is not mine, though your voice explains contrary words, I am trying to equate with actions.
And I am scared.
I am terrified that in the end, I may not matter.
Maybe life is better without me.
Because I have found what I am looking for....
but
have you?

Are you still there?

In retrospect....

I think,
I ponder of my status in this whole equation. My function.
Do I compute with the multiplied subtraction in your life?
And I wonder if I measured up to your expectations that you lived for.
Your tantrums, your dreams, and when you felt blue, and the fine lines between your uncommon dialogues with your soul.
I wonder...
Your lover's call now becomes mine while I answer in silence that you can hear only if you desire.
Where are you my beloved? ...I am here
Where are you my beautiful star?....I am here
Do my eyes possess you? do you desire my kiss? There is no need to run my beautiful beloved star.
I am the one you seek. I own the heart you desire. It is you who possesses the eyes to see.

And like you, I continue to plead my desperate question to the universal highest entity....why did you bestow upon me the power to love as I love? Why did you bless me with a treasure that may not be able to cherish what I have to give?...because walls so high and indestructable have been built for protection. While I await my opportunity to show you what love is.

Walls that were previously broken to allow pretenders in fuck me shoes to enter...

And like you I shall wait 525, 600 minutes and even though the sun sets on my hope, I will not regret.

Do I inspire you as the time when you loved before? Do I inspire a name? Maybe a written vent of emotion. I wear no fuck you shoes but I am clothed in trial and error in a desperate attempt to engage your attention and please your eyes once again. Do I inspire you? Have I ever inspired you?

Are you still alive? Have I dimmed your light for carefree living and enjoying intimate nights when your mood forecasts?

Forecasts....a lesson plan I am yet to receive, but intermittantly trying to predict when there will be rain or sunshine, or when I should just not leave home in shelter from the storm.

Different books, different chapters. I agree. I am no jelly bean.

But the merging of books and literery content can ....will result in a bestselling novel if the marketing is right. Take a risk sunshine.

I yearn to see a dimpled smile.
I yearn to see lustful lips.
I yearn to see that glimmer in your eyes.

I can take you there where you have gone before. This time only further. Retired to heaven where your list of wishes can be burned.

My body and mind are willing, but they sometimes falter and question if it is a losing battle. A battle I think I must wait, for time will heal all wounds and in time, I trust. In time, I will be discovered. In time...

I hope.

Are you still there?
I hear no answer....
Maybe no one is home..
525, 600 minutes...
no number can compute my wait for you.

Random thoughts on a Friday night

As I grow older, my relationships with people change, as is expected.

I have a greater bond with my mom which I am enjoying everyday.
With my sister I have grown closer and am able to speak about intimate things. My friends I have learned to cherish even more since I have learned the qualities of friendships and true friends.
And with my s.o.
That relationship has had the most interesting maturation of all. I have learned so many things in the past few months that have changed and matured me and I am thankful for it. I have grown from an immature girlfriend from past relationships to learning what makes meaningful relationships. It makes me realise what I am willing to do to have this person in my life because of what I feel. Everytime I see, everytime I hear my loves voice, its like falling in love all over again.

Hopefully one day, I will be sending special friends special invitations....

He say, She say---NOISE!!!!!!!!!!

Well everybody say you say I say that them say that.......EVERYBODY SAY!

but we have forgotten.
we have forgotten whats really important.
And I wish that who ever say, say could be reading this.
And I will admit that I allowed them to enter our life.
I will admit that I allowed them to control my thoughts instead of channeling out the noise.

But now I say to them BE GONE!!!
but sure, continue to talk...just make sure and get your facts right, then spread the truth of reality.
But I wonder that for grown women in the prime of your life, is this the example you are setting?
Is this what we younger ones have too take example from?!
well
SHAME ON YOU!
so i suggest you study about yourself and your relationship with your loved ones
and stop the
NOISE!
It seems women are their own worst enemy....
Humans are their on foe.


as usual the poem....


Heresay, Hersay
He say
she say
and they say something about
you say I say that
We say you say!
today is the day that
I say
I dont want to know what anyone say.
Because this is like an open relationship
everyone seems to know what
you say and what i say
even before you say what you say!

Today is the day
I close the door
I dont want to hear the voices anymore
Because it getting real loud in here
Being overpowered by the battle of who lie- who true
But the only person I give a damn about is you!
So this is a you and me relationship.
An I listen to you
and you listen to me relationship.
Because this shit really getting out of hand.

They have me watching what you do
wondering if what you telling me is true
Hearing two sides to the story
Leaving me in a quandry as to what the hell to do?
Dont know who to trust or dont know who I must
say away from.

Listen the only person Im interested in is you
Because If we say your love me
and I love you
Then that is the only reality that is true
To hell with the they say she say that you do and I do
You have me and I have you.
I propose to start again from nil
Back to the time when time stood still when I saw you.
Lets start over this thing together
You and me listening to each other.
You and me
Me and you
I hope that you want to start over too.

Journey

Lately I have been on a journey.
I have encountered many beautiful things but I have also seen scary, ugly things. My experiences have been both happy and sad.
I am reminded everyday that life is a constant change and you must constantly adjust.

News and Goods:
1. Job interview
2. Things are working out with LCD
3. My last day of work is next Friday
4. I am leaving to enter another milestone in my life
5. I have gone to fetes this Carnival! and more is in store:)

Valentines day is approaching and I am sickened ny the commercial value that has monopolised the world. Therefore do not wish me happy valentines. These things mean nothing to me. Instead just give me a hug on an arbitrary day. Tell me how much I mean to you, things like that. This goes for everyone.

Meanwhile, I have plans for my free time as of after Carnival:
1. Fix my new electric guitar
2. Fix my saxophone
3. Practice guitar everyday/ seek lessons
4. Purchase music theory grade 8 book and LEARN!
5. Organise proper business plan for WOMAN- The Event
6. Register WOMAN- The Event
7. DO SOME SERIOUS SOUL SEARCHING!!

My s.o told me that I do not play music in my sleep anymore. I think my music is dying. The light is fading and I could feel it. I need to use this time to find and rediscover myself.

Bring back the music.
Continue my journey.

You can change the world!

"Take your talents and use it cause you never know how much time you have and that maybe a talent was given for a purpose. YOU can change the world one person at a time with your talents!"

This came in an email sent to me by 'Artist Angel' and it really touched me.
Life is short...give alot, love alot, stress a little.
my talents WERE given to me for a reason...I CAN change the world one person at a time!

R.I.P Jizelle Salandy...you definitely used your talents to change Trinidad and Tobago.